There is wisdom in wrinkles.
When I was in my mid-thirties, the first wrinkles appeared around my mouth. I noticed them more after waxing the hair above my lips, which were more visible because of the tan I pursued in the summer.
How complicated it is to be beautiful, I thought one day. Both were pursuits in the youthful appearance of which my self-confidence and acceptance hung. If I’m thin, no one can reject me. This was my belief since childhood when an eating disorder defined my life, thoughts, beliefs, and body.
The security of being accepted for who I was outside of appearance was shaky, even in my mid-thirties. Wrinkles were signs of fading beauty that I could not control forever.
Twenty years later, age spots are a nemesis more than wrinkles. I avoid the sun, most often, to steward my body I hope to have for twenty more years and perhaps twenty more. The wrinkles on my face bear wisdom that I now consider might be of value.
It’s a different kind of beauty. A type that is gentler on me as new worries and fears show up. A kind that seeks quiet rather than the opinion of others. In that quiet, I feel God’s presence more than before. He is not present more. I listen to him differently, prioritizing the Holy Spirit over thoughts, perceptions, and baggage from the past.
Shame is one carry-on bag I’m learning to hang up on the Cross. Jesus didn’t give me shame to wear, but it’s been my wardrobe for most of my life. Shame not because of something I’ve done, but innately for just being.
I can’t pinpoint when the first lie was introduced to me as a child, but I saw it repeatedly reinforced. To cover up shame, I wore a wardrobe of beauty and kindness that made good first impressions so that others would not see the ugliness it hid.
I’m learning now in midlife that who I am, how I am, is not something to be ashamed of or to hide. But there is space for me in a room among others just as I am.
(Pause, that statement in itself is celebratory for you and me.)
I’m learning acceptance of a different kind of beauty—the kind Jesus created in me and enhanced by his presence, not my works. Because of this truth, I don’t need to try so hard—to be good, accepted, or just to be.
I’ve been learning these things while journeying with Jesus in life beyond the picket fence. I’d love to hear what you’ve been learning, too.
If you struggle with shame, you’re not alone.
If accepting yourself is difficult, you’re in good company.
If you don’t have everything figured out, join me in life, faith, and family beyond the storybook image.
Let me know what you’ve been learning! brenda@brendayoder.com.
Brenda, this is wonderful. I just shared this with my friend of several decades who truthfully has been my Christianity coach for years. Grace and love figure often in our conversations. I was so excited to read this to her and to speak of all the grace and love you shared the time we worked together. Although, I never shared this with you you probably knew this period was incredibly tough and you helped make me through it. Thank you for your grace and love!!
Katy, this is such a blessing to me! I continue to be amazed at the educators I have worked with, and your presence with those kids we worked with has made an impact on me. Thank you!