Today my daughter’s driving to Washington DC because she’s leaving for Guatemala tomorrow. My son’s coming home from church camp today, so last night when we all prayed together, it wasn’t quite the same.
She’s flying out of the nation’s capital during a time when security alerts are at it’s highest. She’s traveling alone to a country where children are fleeing because of violence and sex trafficking.
Yes, I’m a little scared.
When she gets back, she’ll be starting her first job as a college graduate. She’s be moving to a new city in many hours away from home. Until I know she’s settled, can support herself and is safe and happy, I’ll be a little scared.
I spoke at a women’s luncheon in Ohio yesterday. When I got in the car to leave, there was a voice message from my doctor. The ultrasound results came back and they don’t like what they see. They want to do a biopsy on Monday.
Yes, I’m a little scared.
Really, I’m a mess.
I spent two hours driving myself home from that luncheon trying to hold the racing thoughts inside my head.
I’m a counselor. This is what I do. I practiced positive self-talk as I played out different scenarios. I praised God and felt at peace.
Lots of people go through this, it’s not a big deal. No need to worry until you know for sure.
I came home and acted like nothing was wrong.
Until I had a melt-down.
Right now as I type at 2:30 am, I don’t know exactly why the tears are flowing, whether it’s a mother’s heart not settled until I know my child’s safe and back in the same country where I can get to her by car.
I don’t know if it’s that my family hasn’t been together but a few hour the whole summer because of people’s schedules, traveling college students, sports teams and church camps.
Perhaps it’s because my practical side says everything’s going to be okay yet the other side that says something hasn’t felt right for months and now I’m one of those people who just received one of those phone calls.
Perhaps it’s because I have to go about my busy life acting like nothing’s wrong when really I feel like I’m falling apart, trying to hold everything together.
Do you ever feel like you have to hold everything together?
It has nothing to do with faith. I love God as much as I did a day ago sharing Him at that luncheon before I got “the news.”
It has nothing to do with God, and everything to do with the human condition.
Because I’m human.
Matthew 6 says not to worry because tomorrow has enough worry of it’s own.
My head says she’s traveled to Guatemala before and everything’s been okay.
My head says, it’s no use worrying because other people go through this, just wait until you find out the results.
But my heart and the tears say I’m scared. The same biopsy came back with not so good news for my mom a few years ago.
The counselor in me says, You need to feel those feelings. Don’t keep them inside.
It’s where I’m at today.
Where are you at today? Are there things you’re scared about? How do you handle things when unknowns come your way? Do you allow yourself to feel your emotions? I’d love to hear from you today.
Because if you’re a mess, you’re not alone.