I desire friendship was what I wrote in my journal. The tears flowed and I felt stupid. I had mom grief.
What a selfish thing to write, I thought. I have friends.
I mean, I had friends.
Now, I have relationships. Work relationships, Facebook and Instagram relationships–relationships with moms I used to be super-close with and now I just say “hi” to at school events.
And then I realized what was missing.
- I missed calling a friend or two and asking if we could have a play date
because I needed friendship and they had time. - I missed when our families would hang out in chaos on a weekend with the twenty-plus kids between us. Before ballgames, birthday parties, and chauffeuring kids to their social events took over.
- I missed talking on the phone to other moms while folding laundry, cooking supper, or picking up the same toys, repeatedly.
- I missed the weekends hubby and I spent with other couples to learn how to make our marriages and families better for the years to come.
Because now the years-to-come-years are here.
When life is crazy-busy and the time to spend with your kids and partner is now.
Or it’s never.
It’s when you invest in family with the only time you have.
Like listening to the sobbing, homesick college kid who calls at a-not-good-time because you’re getting the science fair poster together for the elementary kid who waited until the last minute to do their experiment and now it’s way past their bedtime. That’s not to mention the younger sib who’s been asking “where’s the toothpaste?” for ten minutes at the top of the stairs while you’re on the phone and the high schooler’s been on the video game forever because no one has checked on him.
For hours.
Because you’re raising your family–not just taking Insta-pics. Doing the best you can while life speeds by.
But it also means spending hours on the phone with the play-date friend whose marriage is falling apart.
It’s the late night on your other friend’s front-porch because you can’t handle your teen, you feel like a failure, and you need someone to talk to.
It’s taking care of her kids while her husband is in the hospital, again, tucking them in, praying with them, and reassuring them that their dad’s going to be okay.
It’s the summer your college kid’s forever friends get married.
It’s the meals you make when your teen asks if he can bring friends home, and there’s really only macaroni and cheese in the pantry.
It’s telling yourself it’s okay when your Facebook friends are vacationing with other families because this is one of your last vacations with teens at home.
You have friends, just not the way you did when life was simpler.
And right now, being a mom can be lonely.
In just a few years, those friends will come around again. You’ll get together and talk about your kids, grandkids, or how you can’t believe you’re this age. You’ll talk about your weight gain and you’ll cry with each other at the funeral of your parents.
Friendships grief is just one kind of mom-grief at this stage of life. When your kids aren’t little anymore and you realize your years of family life is nearing it’s end.
It’s mom-grief. Life-grief. Friendship-grief all rolled in one.
And some days, you just have to sit and cry over it all.
One last thing about mom grief, it too shall pass and now that we are empty nesters my husband and I have such a different relationship that is stronger and closer then we have ever had. With the grief of children leaving and motherly duties waning I have been given a gift in its place of a new and deeper connection with my husband. I feel that this is God’s thank you or reward for the hard work, love, and sacrifices a mom makes for so many years. Enjoy it when it comes.
Thank you so much for these thoughts, Sandy. Each stage has it’s good and sad and a morph of feelings.
I went through my own type of mom grief when my oldest was in college, the other was in high school, and the husband was busy nightly after work with painting motorcycles. I felt very unneeded and couldn’t figure out at first what the problem was or what I was feeling. Then I realized I was grieving being a mom. I wasn’t needed like I had been for so many years. At first, I took it as rejection. But, the more I thought about it and analyzed my feelings I realized it was apart of motherhood like it or not and it was time for me to start finding me again. Life in Transition! Sometimes when you become a wife and mother you put so much of yourself into mothering and wifely duties that you can lose a part of yourself and need to find you again. I will say I love my family with all my heart but have learned to embrace the fact that it is okay to take care of me for a change after I realized what was going on with me. Not feeling guilty over doing this took some years to get used to doing. I had to give myself permission to take time for me now and not feel guilty about it. Grief comes in all forms and whether it be by the death of a loved one or the loss of part of who you once were, grief is grief. Now that we are empty nesters I do still miss from time to time softball games, track and field events, being a taxi driver and rides to drop off or pick up from work or cheerleading practices, but I know that was just a part of who I was and still am but in a different capacity. Grief is having to let go of something, even when we don’t want to or aren’t ready yet. God has shown me that I have been rewarded with so much from being a mom and have become the new me because I was able to grieve and release the me I once was as a full time mother. Motherhood wasn’t my whole identity, it was just a part of my life and that’s ok. That realization for me has helped me really enjoy my new found freedom as a woman and given me a better perspective and outlook on my future. Thank you God for being there when mom grief had me in such a lonely place once upon a time.
Wow. Absolutely breathless right now. This is so spot on and I think I’m at the beginning stages of it right now. Maybe even the middle.
Yes, it is. I guess we’re in the middle to end. Holding on for each last year. The quieter the house gets as each leaves for college, the more silence in your soul. It’s just weird. The only way to describe it.
but silence can be a good thing and can help us become more God focused
Yes, so true!
I sooo remember feeling like this Brenda. Its a terrible feeling. Both Scott and I went through this when Jake graduated and in the years since then. I’m so glad I have those memories from years gone by. Now….our kids are our friends. We are blessed.
It’s so good to know these feelings aren’t just mine, Janet. I believe what you say it true. Our older kids are becoming friends as they look at life that’s beyond us and are able to sit and talk about things. God is good as we go through seasons of life. But there’s grief as each phases passes. Thank you for your words!