Dear Mama,

This school year may be challenging for you. Your baby may be starting their senior year, or your house is just a little emptier because you just dropped one of your Bigs off at college. While you’re still running around with those younger ones, the empty chair at the table is a giant hole in your family and your heart.

Your kids are fledging the nest.

Fledge is when a young bird develops strong wind feathers and is ready for flight. It’s also to provide an arrow with feathers. Whether you like it or not, it’s time for your birds to fly. But you’re not quite ready to let go.

For me, the fledging process from when the first one left for college to the last one was nine years. It was a revolving door of coming and going, both physically but also the coming and going of my heart and mind. Just when things got a little settled and more stable, another disruption happened. A new boyfriend or girlfriend. A wedding. A baby. My emotions erupted. Everything about the life I knew was off-kilter.

Five years after that last one left for college, I’m genuinely an empty nester. My kids don’t live or land here anymore. I cry less. Here are a few things to know about this vulnerable season between the full house and an empty nest.

10 Things You Need to Know

No other season is as life-changing. Natural instincts kick in when you first become a parent. Kids leaving? Not so much. Yet, the tears, grief, sadness, and emotional rollercoaster are intuitive and natural. Don’t apologize or worry about it. It’s okay not to have yourself all together.

Your kids will be okay. Yes, even when they call home crying or seem undecided or ambivalent. They need you to be supportive but not an enabler. They need you to believe they can make it in a life that feels uncertain and new. You may help and cheer them, but they are learning new things like you did at their age. They are still growing, and they need some struggle to help their wing feathers grow strong.

When they aren’t okay, take it seriously. I mean when they are clinically depressed, have suicidal thoughts, or other mental health issues. Seek professional help for them if they agree–and if not, seek support so you know how to help them when things are difficult.

They need autonomy from you. It’s hard when they don’t answer that text message or call you for days. But they also need to do some things independently rather than mom micromanaging their life and daily choices. God created our kids to be independent and separate from us. It feels like a ripping away from our hearts, but you know what? It’s the kind of severing where part of our heart is imbedded in theirs, though they don’t know it. The values, love, wisdom, and support you’ve poured into them is what’s attached to their core, even when you can’t see it. That heartache is because part of you is with them. It will just take several years for either of you to see it.

You’ve got grief. Grief accompanies significant life changes where there’s a loss. Each child that leaves your home is a gain and a loss. Both experiences can coexist. You celebrate the joy of their life and what they’ve contributed to your family. But their absence is so loud and such a change you feel like you’ll never breathe easily again. You will. It will take a while. And then some more. With each child leaving, another wave of grief will come. Then, like other types of deep sadness, the fog will slowly lift, and you’ll realize the sunshine and newness don’t feel so stark and naked. You may even like it. But it takes time to get there.

Your younger kids still need you. Though your family is changing, those kids you’re still parenting need you to present with them, even if they are difficult or you’re tired. Don’t give up or give in.

Midlife is no joke for women–take care of yourself and your needs. Get the book The New Menopause by Dr. Mary Claire Haver once you’re 40. Everything in your body is changing, and it’s a big deal. You’re not alone, and your husband won’t understand.

Enjoy your adult kids. While you may miss all the Littles stages, adult kids bring another level of contentment. But lower your expectations. You’re not their priority, and their goal is not to please you. Instead, look for the invitation to be in their life. When it comes, joyfully enter and marvel at the person God created from your womb or that you nurtured through childhood. Enjoy them. And let them go.

You’ll make mistakes. It’s inevitable. You’ll say the wrong thing, hover when you shouldn’t, or step over a boundary that wasn’t meant to cross. You’re new at this stage of parenting. Say you’re sorry, try again, and give yourself grace. You’re learning and growing just like your kids are.

Keep moving forward, even when you feel stuck. The transition from a full house to a happy, empty nest takes years for many, depending on the size of your family and extenuating circumstances. Note I said happy empty nest. Your home may be childless, and you’re stuck in grief. It, too, is expected. It won’t be this way forever. While waiting for the awkwardness and loneliness to subside, move towards something healthy, sound, and rewarding: a new goal, hobby, and a better relationship with your husband. Don’t let the sadness and stagnancy overcome you. Keep walking forward into the future by tending to the present and letting go of the past.

This Will Not be Forever

Your relationship with your child is forever, but this transitional stage is not. Joy will arrive (often in the form of grandkids, slow uninterrupted mornings, or the raise you get after the kids leave). The sadness and aching heart will dissipate, though they may exchange themselves for the different trials of parenting adult kids whose lives we don’t speak into as much.

But don’t wish this stage away. It’s messy, complicated, full, and exhausting. But it’s beautiful, as are you and the humans you have poured every ounce of your life into. You’re amazing. With each step they take away from you, take a moment to embrace the significance of your work.

Let the love engulf you. This is what never leaves.

Brenda L. Yoder

Get Fledge: Launching Your Kids Without Losing Your Mind

It’s the handbook for the stage of raising and releasing, covering topics such as changing families, hormones, relationships with surly teens and young adults, and how to keep focused when your heartstrings are pulled in all directions.

Need community? Join us at the Midlife Mom’s podcast and community on Facebook!